Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike notes this can always be editted if there are problems
Wed Mar 30, 2005 at 04:17:14 pm EST
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The Adventures of Alcheman #17, Part Two, presenting with preemptive apologies to JJJ if I went too far
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The Adventures of Alcheman #17


“Pitfalls of the Profession,” Part Two



Previously: Alcheman was captured in Baroness Zemo’s Lair attempting to gather information on the fledgling arch villain. And a mysterious assassin known as the Scourge of the Parodyverse had chosen to make the aforementioned lady in lavender his next target in her war on costumed criminals.


*****


“Cable Guy,” the Scourge of the Parodyverse drawled familiarly as Franz opened the door for the incognito killer.

Franz rolled his eyes, “Ja, ja,. It is about time you showed.”

“Sorry about that. Wow, this place is amazing. Its like something Sauron would live in. That’s right, huh? Sauron?”

“I haff no idea what you are talking about. Now come with me please, the Recreational Room is this way. But quietly, as Her Excellency has guests for dinner.”

The Scourge hoped the guests were of the villainous kind.

*****


Baroness Elizabeth Dewdrop Von Zemo looked past the candelabra centerpiece and asked her guest, “Are you sure you wouldn’t like something?”

“No, thank you,” replied a strait-jacketed Michael Wooster.

Beth smiled, “If it’s the matter of inconvenience I can have Sally feed you: she’s done so in the past,” she stage whispered, “For a particularly decrepit paramour.”

As if on cue, the zaftig brunette dressed in her chambermaid’s uniform shuddered at the recollection.

“Again, no. I would rather not break bread with my torturers.”

“Torture? No,” the Mistress of Schloss Schreckhausen waved the charge off, “You must forgive Baron Otto. He was being overprotective. After all, he did catch you snooping around his only granddaughter’s private correspondence like some lascivious stalker. There will be no torture this evening, much as you may deserve it.”

The Baron grunted into his Schnitzel. He had unwrapped the dunking stool for nothing.

“Then what is it you want, Baroness? Why keep me prisoner?” Alcheman demanded.

Beth gestured to Sally, who stretched across the table and snatched away the Elemental Adventurer’s mask.

“That, for starters.”

Michael sputtered impotently.

“Got yourself punched in the snoot, eh, Alcheman? What happened: HuntingJustice DeathMarrow catch you going through her underwear drawer?” Silicone Sally teased while twirling his domino mask around her forefinger.

“Wait,” Beth squinted at her captive, “I recognize him, even with the busted mug. Sally, fetch me the Wooster file.”

Otto’s head snapped up, “Wooster?! This schwachsinnig has ties to the woman who dares denigrate the virtues of my ancestral home?!” he instinctively patted his greatcoat’s pockets for a set of thumbscrews.

Alcheman gaped at the pair in disbelief. Beth tutted.

“That’s really not a good look for you… Michael. It is Michael, right?”

After several moments of silence Alcheman spoke, “You’ll never get away with this,” he bluntly vowed.

“With what?”

“Your plan. Whatever it is.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” the Baroness replied jauntily as she accepted a manila folder from her pliable personal assistant, “I’m feeling pretty good about this one.”

*****


The Scourge of the Parodyverse put away his portable jackhammer and smiled, “There. Found you at last, my little Dickens.”

Her escort, the mechanically minded villain known as Expired Warranty looked over his shoulder into the hole in the wall, “That looks like the central power cable. What do you need that for?”

She did not reply. Instead, the vigilante removed his goggles and rooted around the big black rucksack she had brought in from the van. A strange object, covered with electrical prongs and diodes, was produced.

“My Modified Abhuman Technology Suppressor needs an external power source,” the Scourge explained happily. Then he quickly jammed the device’s tines into the cable, so as not to give the costumed man any opportunity to examine it, and as such, rendering it obsolete.

The Suppressor hummed to life, and in turn deactivated every electronic or mechanical device, including the lights.

“Vengeance is mine,” the Scourge said, as she used the darkness to draw his .50 caliber Thompson submachine gun on the once deceased F. X. Sinclair.

And after one armor piercing, explosive round to the chest, Expired Warranty would find himself revisiting that particular condition.

*****


The lights went out in the Main Dining Hall.

“What fresh hell is this?” Beth muttered. She was in the process of using her cell phone at the dinner table (an action Otto condemned as ‘plebian and not at all befitting a Zemo. Why don’t you start chewing with your mouth open next?’) to call Agnes Wooster and politely inform her that her son, the costumed trespasser, was in her custody and if she wanted such news to stay out of the Society Page perhaps she should reconsider this vendetta, yes- when its charge died.

Three seconds and one echoing gun shot later, Expired Warranty joined it.

“What’s going on?” Sally worried aloud.

Baron Otto’s eyes were as cold as the grave, “We have an intruder. I will return forthwith,” and then he vanished.

The Baroness began running systems checks on all of her concealed gadgets: the force field generator, the Chemical XXX dispenser, her energy Lugar, all laid out on the table, all useless.

“Problems?” Alcheman inquired mildly.

Beth was about to tell the Chemical Crimefighter to shut up when more shots were fired.

Shots which were much closer than before.

*****


The Scourge of the Parodyverse tracked Razor Ballerina as she climbed the Grand Stairway with his infrared scope. Then she put three bullets into her.

Mindy Kovkolski was quite surprised by the impact. Missiles usually were shredded when they struck her improbably sharp skin. She could not see it, but the blood spray tore holes through the expensive tapestries mounted along the stairwell’s wall.

“Vengeance is mine!” came a voice from the top of the landing.

The Ballerina knew she only had one way of escape. She dove off the stairs and executed a perfect swan dive, her power letting her cut through the hard stone floor and to the level below, and hopefully to safety.

The Scourge was about to drop a grenade down after her when Baron Otto materialized on the landing. The gaslight torches flickered to life, allowing the two to consider one another.

“Ach! Ein Meuchelmörder! You sent you, cretin?” he asked imperiously.

“I sent myself, little ghost. Now stand aside so I may finish what I have started,” and the Scourge began to descend the stairwell.

“Little- ?!Nein! I am Baron Ottokar Attila Kublai Tamerlane Zemo von Saxe-Lurkburg-Schreckhausen, Master of the Necromantic Arts and of this House. You will surrender yourself for interrogation sofort or I will-“

“You’ll what?!” the assassin sneered, “I’ve disabled every machine more sophisticated than the wheel and axle in this place, protected my tech from your meddling by applying the appropriate wards, and brought something that can drop even you,” he brandished the gun a bit higher in demonstration.

“Ha! You think…” the Baron’s voice trailed off as his unnatural senses examined the weapon in question. Then he gasped, “Anti-Story!!”

“Sehr Güt, Baron. Now if you’ll-“

Otto vanished.

*****


“We have a serious problem,” he told his granddaughter once rejoining her in the dining hall, “The man who is hunting us is… remarkably prepared. He has already disposed of two of your minions, and is rapidly approaching our location.”

Beth frowned, angry at herself for sending Anvil Man, PAPG!, and the others off to a Team Building Retreat in the Berkshires, “What does he want?”

“You dead, apparently. I believe killing villains is the Scourge’s raison de etre.”

Silicone Sally looked shocked, “The Scourge? Holy @#%*!”

“I suppose explaining to this character that I am not in fact a ‘super villain’ would be a waste of time?” Beth asked her grandfather.

“Indeed.”

The Baroness paused. Inside she was shaking. Beth had faced moments of crisis before, but here, in her own home, where she expected to be safe, was frightening. But the young woman did not wish to appear weak, especially in front of-

“Him,” the Baroness pointed to Alcheman, “Release him, so he can help us.”

Michael nodded, “Yes, please do.”

The Baron looked doubtful, “A true Zemo would not-“

“Oh, be quiet, grandfather. A true Zemo would do whatever it takes to win. And that’s what matters here: winning,” she glanced at Sally, “Get the keys.”

As Sally began unshackling Alcheman Beth gave him a sour look, “I suppose there will be conditions attached to your aid?”

Michael stood and rubbed the feeling back into his wrists, “Not at all. I would never do such a thing,” he picked up his mask and tied it over his eyes, “My mother raised me better than that.”

The Baroness smirked. Perhaps there was some spine to this one after all.




To Be Concluded.


Anticipating the replies:

Whoa?! Is (Spoiler Villain or Villainess) really dead?!

Well, no. It wouldn’t be right to kill off someone else’s creations. So I left it extremely vague whether Razor Ballerina died at all, since she dove for cover. And as for Expired Warranty, given his death-cheating origin it would seem a simple matter for him to return. Here are both villains’ entries in Who’s Who for those who are interested:

Expired Warranty (Z. X. Sinclair) is the reanimated corpse of a former computer nerd raised as an undead after killing himself when even a desperate blood hungry vampire wouldn't give him a hickey, He possesses the ability to cause any technology to malfunction simply by admiring it.

Razor Ballerina (Mindy Kovkolski) was a world-famous ballerina before being kidnapped and tortured by the shadowy villain Fearwalker for the better part of a year. What remains is the soulless cruel monster able to generate razor-sharp blades from beneath her flesh and hurl them at her opponents with amazing dexterity. She can cut through any substance by touching it, making her a bad person to grab hold of. She has been given a specific resistance to being affected by probability alteration, being able to cut to the most likely result in any case.

Wow! (Spoiler Assassin) really is well prepared!

Yep. The Scourge managed to get her hands on or design a compact Abhuman Technology Suppressor, used so memorably in the Untold Tales arc that pitted the team against Balefire, and also one of those personal anti-suppression fields so his own equipment would work. Also, she has ordinance that is actually composed of Anti-Story, a theoretical form of matter that can destroy anything it comes into contact with. Add to that being a master of disguise and an overwhelming desire to rid the PVB of lame costumed villains, the Scourge of the Parodyverse is in fact a deadly adversary.

How dare you kill off [Countdown Spoilers]! You’re going to make [Comic Book Creator Who in My Opinion Has Made Too Many Trips to the Same Well] cry!

Hm. I seem to have gotten some mail meant for Dan Didio. To this lament I simply reply: Elseworlds.







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